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diggShock troops in the culture wars
When you have children you find yourself at the frontlines in the culture war. In stark contrast to "a child’s a blessing", there’s open hostility out there.
You know the Western world is hostile to children when you have them. Couples know this from the looks they get, the comments, the smirks. It’s as if it were illegal, like smoking cigarettes in a public building. Maria Lopez and her husband, Alex, get more smiles than frowns, more praise than put downs when they head to the grocery store in Canada’s capital, Ottawa, with their four young children. But they are amazed that they also hear from the critics. In a world in which most of us learn that if you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all, it’s revealing that people will openly denounce families for choosing to have a child because, apparently, you shouldn’t have more than two.
"You can stop now," was the most common comment down at the mall after strangers learned that Lopez had one boy and one girl.
"I’d like to have more children," her husband replied
"Ya, right," said a stranger. "What does your wife say?"
Lopez visited her former workplace when a colleague, who learned she was pregnant for the fourth time, quipped: "Come over here so I can give you a slap." On another occasion, a woman referring to a man with five children told Lopez: "Hasn’t he heard of birth control?" Replied Lopez as sweetly as she could: "I thought you were pro-choice? That’s his choice."
When asked, who has time to love so many? Garcia-Prats replies: "Love is multiplied. They each have nine brothers who love and adore them."
In an era of sound bites in the battle of ideas, moms and dads are on the frontlines in defending the family in about 15 words or less. I am also a father of four and was among a small group of Canadian families, when talk turned to the hostility. Our conversation became an impromptu strategy session on how to reply in a meaningful way. We agreed that after the insult, you had better be quick. The smiling or smirking attackers don’t really want to discuss the philosophy of the unwritten two-child policy while the insulted parents want to offer a pearl of wisdom to ponder later. "I think the best gift you can give a child is siblings," was a favourite response.
Now, imagine if you had, say, 10 kids. A Texas couple of 10 sons say people they meet are mostly in awe. In restaurants the waitress asks what camp or tour group they’re from. But they were once told: "You consider yourself responsible with 10 kids?" Replied the mother, Catherine Musco Garcia-Prats: "We don’t define responsible by the number of kids we have but by what we do with the children. " You can tell she’s had practice in answering the critics. When asked, who has time to love so many? Garcia-Prats replies: "Love is multiplied. They each have nine brothers who love and adore them."
I’ve stopped saying that having children means I have someone to visit me when I am old. Ultimately, it’s a selfish answer. I prefer to say that children evoke sacrifice and encourage people to kindness. Children make the world a better place because they force their parents to grow up by thinking about the needs of others.
Want to scare people into not having children? Tell them how much it will cost. There are enough advocacy groups, which under the guise of promoting families, are quick to point out that it will cost you about US $184,000 to raise a child to the age of 18. Add a second child, education expenses and what if they don’t leave until they’re 25? We’re talking close to half-a-million dollars. With four kids you have to be a millionaire!
"The only people I know with more than three children are white trash," I heard a neighbour say, which is odd because the stats say they have to be millionaires. So, let’s be honest. An American mother of eight was aghast at the so-called official costs (it included daycare and a US $2,900 monthly mortgage payment for a big house). So she did her own calculations and found she would pay US $51,588 per child. Her house is not so big and she’s a stay-at-home mother.
"Having children is not about money but about our priorities," says my wife, Alba. "Is our priority getting rich or raising a family?"
Blow away the smoke and birth rates show how anti-child today's society is. A nation needs a replacement rate of 2.1 births per women – as in the United States -- just to survive. A society that wants children doesn’t have a replacement rate of a mere 1.5 births per women, as in Canada, or 1.3 in Spain, Italy and Greece. In fact, all of Europe has imploding populations based on replacement rates.
Until recently, when many Western countries discovered the baby shortage, they offered absolutely no tax breaks to families generating their most valuable resource: the next generation. In almost any Western country, after a woman has had a baby, a nurse gives her a pep talk about contraception. The United Nations gives funding to Planned Parenthood, which spends more money on ending pregnancies than anything else. And when couples have children, they hide them. Kids are sent to daycare. But no adult ever puts up a hand when the question is: Who would have preferred daycare to your mother when you were a child?
In some non-Western countries, being anti-children is more obvious. China recently made the absurd announcement that its one-child policy is responsible for reducing global warming. India’s minister of state for women and child development once advocated that women and men with more than two children be banned from voting.
The Western world has more of a split personality: a blessing to some, burden to others. When the two sides meet, events can take a strange turn. An acquaintance took her five children shopping. When the clerk at the checkout counter learned that all the kids were hers, the clerk observed: "Aren’t we greedy." How odd.
But the derogatory remarks that mothers get are often not about them. They are about the person who said them. They are words of justification for the woman who chose not to have kids and now regrets it or waited too long.
The hostility from men is usually just plain old self-centredness. I encountered this for the first time when my first son was six months old and I brought him to a restaurant where I met acquaintances. The young couple next to me had no plans for a family because of the consequences for her figure, their sex life, his hockey nights and their travel plans. The boyfriend leaned over to make his point. He put two fingers together from each hand to form a cross, held them up to my son’s face as if to ward off evil and announced defiantly that in their lives children were absolutely out of the question. The girlfriend said nothing. In hindsight this scene was probably a message for her, not for me.
But there is an encouraging flipside to this. Families in the culture war have their undercover allies. When strangers suddenly appear from nowhere and say, "you have beautiful children" or "you’re courageous" or "good for you", the spirit of the weary parent soars, like a soldier in the trenches upon hearing that supplies and replacements are on the way. I now go out of my way to compliment mothers and fathers with young children or help them open a door or struggle with a stroller. A knowing smile that says "parenting is not for wimps" is sometimes the elixir a parent needs to get past a child’s meltdown.
Due to complicated circumstances my wife ended up going to church alone with our infant daughter recently. By the time Mass ended, little Catalina was shrieking so loudly many heads turned. My wife’s face went red and she couldn’t get out the door fast enough. But the punch line in this anecdote was that a stranger walked up to her, congratulated her for coming and said he knew her job was a difficult one. Despite the mortifying ordeal, in retelling the story to me later, my wife was beaming.
Encouragement is never lost. In today’s world, parents need it more than ever.
Patrick Meagher is MercatorNet's contributing editor in Canada.
I am the mother of 4 grown up children and granny to 7 (one unborn) and I have found a strange phenomenon. When I was bringing the children up I received many disparaging remarks especially from the medical profession. But now I am a grandmother many of my contemporaries, who kept children away, are not. Even those who had one or two children their children are not having children at all. So now I get remarks saying how lucky I am, how fortunate to have grandchildren when they probably never will, and of couse, I agree with them but it was not “luck”. Can they not work out that you have to have a child to have a grandchild?
Hi Robbie… my confrontation with the doctor happened in Scotland, at a brand new Maternity Hospital. State of the Arts it was...but the mentality of those working there was primitive
While the doctor and I were having this exchange of “ideas” in his very impressive Office, he pointed to the photo of his wife and their three children. He went on to tell me that he had personally performed the tubal ligation on his wife after their third child. He told me this to reassure me of how simple and safe the procedure was. I was amazed..and asked him why he hadn’t had himself “clipped”...as it is a simpler surgery. He then explained that having a vasectomy “affects” men psychologically, to which I mentioned Freud and Hysteria in women. I also told him of my experience in a Cancer Registry at a Naval Hospital where I volunteered. I found out that the number of young women coming in carrying cancer records were also for the most part “sterilized” some years earlier… therefore I warned him that his wife might end up needing to be “shelled” just like these other young women.
The real shocker was when I left the office, there was a “Green Lady” a visiting nurse, listening outside the door. She was Irish, and told me as we walked down the corridor, that I was in trouble. She said that he would wait until I was in labor, then he would have me hooked up to the monitor and at some point declare “fetal distress” and have me taken to the O.R where he would deliver me c-section and tie my tubes while he was in there. I would never know...except I would never get pregnant again. She said she had known of women who had “exploded” on the operating table...when they used the hot cauterizing instruments to burn their tubes..and it came too close to their bowel...and she said.."they bury their mistakes”.... This is what promted me to contact the Home of Unwed Mothers and deliver my sixth child there. So keep up the good work..and the best gift you can give your children is another brother or sister...but if you have to space your children for a time or permanently, then check out the NaProTechnology method at http://www.creightonmodel.com or the
Couple to Couple Symptothermo Method at http://www.ccli.org or the
Billings Ovulation Method at http://www.boma-usa.or or the Marquette Model at http://www.marquette.edu/nursing/nfp Another site for Creighton is http://www.popepaulvi.com Also there is a Bead Method used by women in third world countries...the beads they wear show their husbands exactly where they are at in their cycle and that way he knows whether or not to pursue intercourse.
http://www.CycleBeads.com If you find yourselves pregnant again, then you can check out the Bradley Husband Coached Childbirth classes...or on line...I think it is http://www.bradley.com but you can google it. My daughter and her husband are instructors
I have 4 children, stay at home wife; progressing very well with my profession, properties etc -given humble beginnings when we arrived to North America 17 years ago.
When my son was born in 1995 the local health establishment send a nurse who was to give some advice to my wife.
While visiting she did not even touch our newborn but concentrated on me and specifically on my testicles wanting to book a snipping procedure right away.
My wife asked her whether she has any children and she said yes, that she has 6 months old baby.
My wife asked her where is the baby and the nurse said : with the babysitter.
To this my wife stated: please leave, take care of your own child and do not harrass us here any more.
When you read all sorts of “expert” opinions we should be broke by know with raising our children.
What a pile of cr..p
All of our children went through sports, martial arts, dance and music classes, scouts etc.
They finished or are in the process of going through university, colleges or middle school ( no student loan debt)
They are more or less involved in community (so are their parents)
Unfortunately in the Western culture having children shifted from having an assest to liability but it is only engineered perception fed by media and silly experts.
Greetings to all proud parents of numerous children from one marriage !!
Hi
Nice article. I’m from Ireland and my wife and I have three gorgeous children (we want more!). At the maternity hospital on a number of seperate visits during the third pregnancy she was asked repeatedly by the doctors if she wanted to be sterilised.
Amazing.
My husband and I are parents of 11 living children, one miscarried child, 27 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren.
We did it the hard way, living in a much too small house (a gift from his parents) and only enough money to pay the bills and buy food. But God saw to it that we always had enough of everything. We used public transportation for many, many years because we could not afford to own a car. My husband worked long hours and did many home remodeling and repair projects himself or with minimal help. I had a garden, cooked from scratch, learned to repair and makeover clothes, and haunted bargain basements and thrift shops looking for affordable shoes and clothing.
Our yard was always full of neighbor children who marveled at all the fruit that we bought and our delicious home-made pizza. Our children grew up with much love and care, and with the knowledge that they would have to earn anything that they wanted that was not a necessity. They babysat, had a paper route and worked after school jobs. Today half of them have college degrees and they are all productive people. Yes, there were many people, even back in the 60’s & 70’s, who thought we were crazy and told us so. We were too busy, and too happy to care what anybody thought.
Would we do it again? Of course we would! Our children and grandchildren are very close and love being part of a dynasty. It is so true that the best gift you can give your child or children is another sibling. Not to worry about the future....God will take care of you, if you trust in Him.
Well, all is not lost! Yes, I (mother of 10) have heard some comments that would make your hair stand on end, but people have also said lots of nice things to me as well. Doctors or teachers, for example, have come to have respect for our family and our decisions as they’ve gotten to know us. Just stick to your guns, you young parents, stay cheerful when people say stupid things, pray for them, you’ll see-- it gets better. Some people who’ve started out questioning our judgment have actually become good friends of ours. We ourselves became good friends with the parents of a large family who we thought were “bananas”, and we ended up the same way!!! You can have an influence for good.
To Granny’s (above) excellent rejoinders to complaints that large families create garbage, I’d like to add that large families are often excellent conservationists because they are forced to be frugal and they are adept at teaching children to make do with what they have and to take good care of what they’ve been given. Reduce, reuse, recycle, indeed!
You create your own anxiety and distress. Can you spell free choice ? God bless women who have babies . I knew one who was the light of my life . I called her Mom .
My OB/GYN wanted to tie my tubes...and when I refused..I was told that the country couldn’t afford people like me...and I was asked if I knew how much “garbage” one person creates..and told how “simple” the surgery would be..I responded that it was people like me who would supply the caregivers for those too selfish to have children.
My children and grandchildren would put money into the coffers for the Social Security of those too old to work. I also pointed out that even Freud recognized the connection between a woman’s well being and her reproductive capacity, that is where the word “hysterectomy” comes from Hysteria...As far as making garbage.. if he felt he was only contributing garbage to the world, then it was his duty to do something about it.
Finally, I also pointed out that castrating women so that men could be liberated from supporting children, while they were “liberated” to have sex, sex and more sex with no children resulting, would create narcistic adults who would use others and love things .. rather than loving others and using things… and finally result in death and destruction as a result of selfish choices.
I delivered my son at a Home for Unwed Mothers, even though I was married. I was treated as a Queen by the Nuns and delivered naturally, rather than the “cut and drug” approach which traumatizes so many mothers and their babies..
Thank you so much for your on-the-mark article. I am a mother of 4 children, 3 boys and a girl between the ages of 15 and 22. I am the eldest of 8 (4 boys and 4 girls). Growing up, my family was constantly criticized for its growing size, including my paternal grandparents. Despite their criticisms, however, we were a magnet to children that were from small families. They came over daily and wished they had a big family too. All were welcome. Some even lived with us for a time. We prayed, sang, played instruments, played family games, did family chores, fought, loved, and laughed alot together.
Greediness is the antithesis of a large family. People from small families cannot fathom our ability to survive and thrive. They tend to judge us harshly on one hand, and then question how we raise such “great and responsible” children. They think that love is divisible instead of multiplying when applied liberally to family.
Thank you so much for this article. I’m a young medical doctor. The problem in our country is not so much with abortion which is a criminal offense, but a prevalent contraceptive mentality, seen more acutely in my field. I have personally seen how one mother was practically berated by the nursing and medical staff for refusing to have a bilateral tubal ligation on undergoing her 3rd caesarian operation. Now, I understand how much it must have meant to her to hear me whisper that she be firm in her decision to be open to the possibility of receiving the blessing of another child in the future.
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