Dawn Stefanowicz | Wednesday, 25 April 2007
The sad side of gay parenting
A Canadian woman was raised in an unconventional household. Now she tells her story.
Gay marriage and gay adoption are being fiercely debated in a number of countries. Usually these issues are framed as a human rights issue. But whose rights? Patrick Meagher, MercatorNet's contributing editor in Canada, recently interviewed a woman who was raised by a homosexual father. She feels that her rights as a child were completely ignored.
Dawn Stefanowicz (www.DawnStefanowicz.com) grew up in Toronto. Now in her 40s, she has written a book, Out From Under: Getting Clear of the Wreckage of a Sexually Disordered Home, to be released later this year. Stefanowicz has now been married for 22 years, is raising a family, and also works as an accountant. She has also testified about same-sex marriage in Washington and Ottawa.
MercatorNet: Tell me about your childhood.
Stefanowicz: My mother was seriously ill. I grew up with my homosexual father and his many partners. They were there for a few days or as long as many years in Toronto, beginning in the 60s. I was at high risk of exposure to contagious STDs [sexually transmitted diseases] due to sexual molestation, my father's high-risk sexual behaviour, and multiple partners. Even when my father was in what looked like monogamous relationships, he continued cruising for anonymous sex.
MercatorNet: What were you exposed to?
Stefanowicz: I was exposed to bathhouses -- although I wasn't allowed in the bathhouses -- cross-dressing, sodomy, pornography, gay nudity, lesbianism, bisexuality, minor recruitment, voyeurism and exhibitionism. Sado-masochism was alluded to and demonstrated. Alcohol and drugs with sex were common. My father would take me to a gay nude beach, other public places, and vacation spots where there was cruising. I was used as bait to attract younger males at various well-known pick-up places known by gay men.
MercatorNet: For how long were you exposed to the homosexual lifestyle?
Stefanowicz: Over two decades of direct exposure to these stressful experiences caused me insecurity, depression, suicidal thoughts, dread, anxiousness, low self-esteem, sleeplessness and sexuality confusion. Every other family member suffered severely as well.
MercatorNet: How did you feel about what was going on around you?
Stefanowicz: You become used to it and desensitised. I was told at eight years old not to talk about this but I knew that something was wrong. I was not thinking “this is right or wrong” but I was disturbed by what I was experiencing. I was unhappy, fearful, anxious and confused. I was not allowed to tell my father that his lifestyle upset me. You can be four-years-old and questioning, "Where is Daddy?" You sense women are not valued. You think Daddy doesn't have time for you or Daddy is too busy to play a game with you. All this is hard because as a child this is the only experience you have.
MercatorNet: How did this affect your relationship with others?
Stefanowicz: I had a hard time concentrating in school on day-to-day subjects and with peers. I felt insecure. I was already stressed out by an early age. I'm now in my 40s. You're looking at life-long issues. There is a lot of prolonged and unresolved grief in this kind of home environment and with what you witness in the subcultures.
It took me until I was into my 20s and 30s, after making major life choices, to begin to realise how being raised in this environment had affected me. Unfortunately, it was not until my father, his sexual partners and my mother had died, that I was free to speak publicly about my experiences.
MercatorNet: What was your relationship like with your father?
Stefanowicz: I came to deeply care for, love and compassionately understand my dad. He shared his life regrets with me. Unfortunately, my father, as a child, was sexually and physically abused by older males. Due to this, he lived with depression, control issues, anger outbursts, suicidal tendencies, and sexual compulsions. He tried to fulfil his legitimate needs for his father's affirmation, affection and attention with transient and promiscuous relationships. He and his partners were exposed to various contagious STDs as they traveled across North America. My father's partners and ex-partners, whom I had deep caring feelings for and associated with, had drastically shortened lives due to suicide, contracting HIV or AIDS. Sadly, my father died of AIDS in 1991.
MercatorNet: Did you feel like you had a family growing up?
Stefanowicz: It's like not having a dad. You have a lot of freedom. You don't have the same level of parental supervision that you really need. We always had male partners in the home from the time I was an infant. It was like walking on egg shells around my father and his partners. Even with certain niceties around my father that make you appear cultured, I sensed a lot of pain about not having a real family.
I feel sorry for kids today, because they can't even go to most counsellors or teachers without hearing the gay rights rhetoric. The professional may try to change your negative perspective about your parent's lifestyle choices as if you, as the child, have the problem. There's no really safe place to go to get help. Entering adolescence I made vows to never have children and I meant it.
MercatorNet: When did you seek help?
Stefanowicz: I was just entering my teens. People who often have a faith background or are more sensitive to quiet children who appear to be hiding some deep secrets will say to you, “if you ever want to talk, just ask and we can sit and chat”. Often kids will talk about school or friends, beating around the bush and then come out and tell you.
But as a child, you are afraid it will get back to your parents. Sometimes you get good advice. Sometimes you don't. You really have to fend for yourself and sort out all of this confusion. Some professionals don't give the best advice when they say to you to get involved with boys so you don't turn out like your dad.
MercatorNet: Do you know other people who have lived with homosexual parents?
Stefanowicz: I am in touch with many families in which about 40 children have been impacted. Many of the children have dealt with fear, anger, and depression. Without a doubt, we deal with sexuality confusion. Suicide has come up quite a bit with adolescent boys who have gay fathers. They appear to be very angry with their dad. There are insurmountable odds that these children have to face. Some of us have been exposed to pathogens. This would be expected as we are in high-risk situations that haven't even been researched yet. Our parents often die early. We have a hard time coping with the burdens we carry, while some of us don't make it and commit suicide.
MercatorNet: Why do so few children speak out?
Stefanowicz: You're terrified. Absolutely terrified. Children who open up these family secrets are dependent on parents for everything. You carry the burden that you have to keep secrets. You learn to put on an image publicly of the happy family that is not reality. With same-sex legislation, children are further silenced. They believe there is no safe adult they can go to.
MercatorNet: Same-sex marriage is now accepted in Canada and children are being taught in some Canadian schools as young age six that same-sex parents are part of a normal, healthy family. Why is there so little objection?
Stefanowicz: There is an assumption that children in this situation want acceptance of that situation. That's not true. We don't think of daddy's partner as another daddy. In the cases I've come across, none of the children think of the partner as mommy or daddy. They are daddy's partner or mommy's partner.
MercatorNet: How can society wake up to these problems?
Stefanowicz: It will take parents who have their own children, making appropriate sacrifices, saying we will not go down this path. It will take people not accepting government legislative permissions. I am challenged by the passivity I am seeing in Canada right now. When children come home from school and tell their parents, “I think I am gay”, it's just because of the school programming. The grassroots will have to rise up. Unfortunately, there are school boards which have aligned themselves with the homosexual lobby.
I grew up in this environment they promote and yet the problems I witnessed are ignored. Just as an example, I ask: “Why is the HIV rate not dropping? Why?” It's not lack of education. It's lack of morality. If you don't teach a moral framework around chaste sexual behaviour, including instruction on monogamous marriage, children will experiment. All children question their values, but I'm hoping parents who have a moral framework will take a stand.
MercatorNet: You seem to have survived your ordeal well.
Stefanowicz: I have processed everything that I can right now. I may still have more issues to deal with. You have to come to a place of thankfulness for life itself and that you can now help others.
RSS | 
del.icio.us | Privacy Policy | 
Comment (16)
Email
Print
Technorati
digg
Comments (16)
Teresa Legaspi said...It takes a lot of courage to speak about the difficulties of a childhood with a gay parent’s lifestyle.
Please continue to share your story to awaken the Canadian people to speak up for children suffering in similar situations.
Thank you.
Canada | Monday, 7 May 2007 at 2:17 pm
Stacy said...I should start by saying that I am not in favor of homosexuals raising children, or same sex marriages, I wonder though, if the behavior of the man described above is typical gay behavior or if it is typical of an abused, screwed up childhood? My guess is it is more typical of the latter. I’m pretty sure there are gay people in the world who aren’t cruising for sex or taking children to bathhouses or nude beaches, or exposing them to pornography etc....
I think it’s great that you share your story & I think it’s great that you are recovering from your childhood. I think the fact that your father was gay was a small part of the many issues he seemed to have though.
United States | Wednesday, 9 May 2007 at 2:58 pm
Greg said...Has every heterosexual parent raised their children perfectly? Has every gay couple raised their children in such a disgraceful manner? Are there any stats at all that would back up this view that kids raised in gay families are going to be worse off? One person’s story does not make a general trend.
The meaninglessness of this interview is highlighted by the absurd question “For how long were you exposed to the homosexual lifestyle?”, as if the preceding list of abhorrent behaviour (cruising for sex, using drugs, etc) ‘just is’ the universal homosexual lifestyle.
Some might say that the dreadful behaviour mentioned is in large part the result of gay people not feeling part of the wider community, rather than any inherent ‘gayness’. This ostracisation is something encouraged by backwards-thinking people such as Stefanowicz and the folk from this website.
It seems to me that gays want marriage for good conservative reasons - having their relationship recognised by society and raising their children in such a relationship. Surely any sensibly-minded conservative could see that such a move would help prevent, not cause, problematic situations such as the one outlined here.
Australia | Thursday, 10 May 2007 at 5:30 pm
Maria said...Please take some time and read what the gay community is all about. It’s all about people who are very disturbed in their sexuality. When a gay person (lesbians included) mentions being in a monogamous relationship, it’s understood that this person is “unfaithful” as well, ie. cruising (their own word). Furthermore, many more gays do NOT want marriage as that would align them too closely with the straight community. This woman’s experience is very similar to other reports of gay sex. Face it...they have a deep psychological disorder.
Canada | Saturday, 12 May 2007 at 1:12 pm
Dawn Stefanowicz said...Children will always need a mother and a father. Homosexual couples can never offer the kind of benefits and equality that gender differences provide within heterosexual marriage. Perhaps, for those who disagree with my position, I would like to give you a challenge. Take a walk down to a local gay pride parade or go to a full-day GLBT conference which addresses sex and take a lot of pictures - make sure the pictures represent what is actually happening throughout the event; then, see if you can get them all developed at your local Ma and Pa’s store. Write me back and let me know.
Now would you show all of these pictures to your kids? There are many children - and I am one of them - that found it awfully painful to grow up in a homosexual home. We have the scars to prove it. We have personal
experience with the risks and know the long-term negative impact. Have you walked in our shoes for twenty years or are you more concerned about the sexual freedoms of adults?
I know everyone says they are concerned about the protection of children from harm. But do you believe children’s needs must be met over and above the wants of adults? Sexuality is not an amusing toy for adults to dream up another derivative to satisfy their selfish urges! Wholesome sexuality is safe, monogamous within marriage, and procreative.
Dawn
Canada | Sunday, 20 May 2007 at 12:32 pm
Greg said...Dawn,
Not every child that has grown up to have a rich, fulfilled and successful life has had both a mother and a father. Plenty of children who have had both a mother and father have has horrendous upbringings. It’s all about the quality of parenting. Granted, it is important that kids have strong role models from each sex, but there is no reason why these need to be biological parents who live with them.
Your “challenge” is absurd. You seem to think that every single gay person gets dressed up in leather underpants every other day. I agree that Mardi Gras is largely a disgusting display of hedonism, but this does not represent nor should it stain the entire gay community. As I said earlier (and in another post that was for some reason censored by the moderator of this oh-so open “forum") it is not unreasonable to entertain the idea that much of this disfunctional behaviour is a roundabout result of people like you discriminating against homosexuals. Allowing gay people into the institutions of marriage and family might be a way of mending some of these problems.
Australia | Sunday, 20 May 2007 at 1:06 pm
Dawn Stefanowicz said...Greg, yes, bad parenting can happen in any environment. But, social science clearly supports that the best academic and social outcomes for children happen in married mother-father homes (see Australia’s Sarantakos, S. (1996). Children in three contexts: Family, education and social development. Children Australia. 21 (3): 23. Also, a French report provides reasons why children need to be raised by a married mother and father at the following: http://www.preservemarriage.ca/docs/France_Report_on_the_Family_Edited.pdf . Another good article can be found at the following: http://www.marriagedebate.com/pdf/MothersFathersMatter.pdf as examples).
Are you too afraid to take up the challenge at a gay pride parade or sex conference? It would be a good lesson for you on how inappropriate gay communities are for children to be raised in. When one takes on the “gay” identity that very identity entails the values and beliefs of the subcultures even if you don’t like wearing leather or go to gay bars every weekend. Whereas, one who just struggles with attraction issues or has sex with the same gender once in a while, has not taken on a “gay” identity. It is quite common for women who call themselves “lesbian” to jump in and out of relationships with men. Even a number of men who have sex with men have had sex with women. This is why sexual preferences or behaviors would be better terms than sexual orientation. (See Laumann, E.O. et al., (1994) The Social Organization of Homosexuality 305.). As one ages and leaves behind the influences of the subcultures, one’s sexual preferences often move toward heterosexuality anyhow.
“Replication of Quotation Errors” shows approximately 50% of the same-sex parenting studies have quotation errors in them (see http://www.acpeds.org/index.cgi?CONTEXT=cat&cat=10041 ). As well, another paper pending publication turns upside down the same-sex parenting studies’ conclusions, revealing that these conclusions are inaccurate and are not supported by the very research purported as reliable. There is absolutely no proof same-sex parenting is as good as man-woman parenting.
You mention, “It is not unreasonable to entertain the idea that much of this dysfunctional behavior is a roundabout result of people like you discriminating against homosexuals. Allowing gay people into the institutions of marriage and family might be a way of mending some of these problems.”
In response to this point, I have to say that adults are 100% responsible for their sexual behavior - unless one is being molested, sexually assaulted or raped. Unfortunately, there is a high incidence of both verbal and physical violence in same-sex relationships where it is not that uncommon to hear about a passive partner being raped against his will. With these aside, there is no one forcing anyone to have sex with different partners in a variety of ways in both private and public avenues and then promoting it everywhere possible - through advertisements in “gay” magazines, DVDs/videos, websites, theatres, gay bars, bookstores, cruising areas (there is actually a website that boasts over 15,000 cruising locations across North America for “gay” and bisexual men. Its content amongst pornography would shock you), parades, and conferences. Furthermore, you can see the push to teach as many school children no matter how young about the various sexual acts within homosexuality, without discussing the full health risks. I have to say that my personal experiences around my father, his many partners, and the subcultures over many years cannot be argued against. Rather, there is swelling evidence.
Recent studies, looking at countries where same-sex marriage is legal and accepted by society, show these countries have a much higher divorce rate among practicing homosexuals, showing the instability of same-sex relationships. Please see the following: http://www.profam.org/pub/nr/nr.2012.htm#Homosexual_Unions:_Rare_and_Fragile .
X-tra, a Canada’s largest online magazine for the GLBT communities, prefers open relationships that are not restricted by traditional heterosexual moral and social constraints, expressing that a quickie relationship is just as valued and loving as a lengthier relationship.
It isn’t fair to pull the wool over people’s eyes and make homosexuality look like it needs the boundaries of marriage and family to make it more monogamous - something homosexual subcultures and GLBT organizations are adamantly opposed to anyway. They just like choice under the argument of civil “rights” as if homosexuality is an immutable characteristic like the color of one’s skin. Many people with strong and solely homosexual attraction have changed and become heterosexually attracted (see Spitzer’s research)
In fact, the main reasons same-sex “marriage” is desired by activist groups is to force social acceptance and respect of homosexuality onto the whole population, criminalize any opposition, and change the minds of your children in one generation (using public schools, media, and legislation).
In Canada, some “gay” activists within our major “gay” organizations want to lower the age of consent for anal sex and even remove it all together. As examples, please see recent Canada’s Standing Committee on Justice and Human Rights Code (age of protection) hearings’ evidence and check out past REAL Women of Canada’s news article issues for proof. Even though the United Nations’ defines a child as under 18, why would gay organizations want children of any age to legally be allowed to “consent” to sex with adults, including anal sex? Well, according to experts looking at brain development, there is no possible way even adolescents can fully comprehend the significant long-term responsibilities and consequences of consent until they are in their third decade. (Adolescent Brain Development, Act for Youth, Upstate Center for Excellence, Research Facts and Findings, A Collaboration of Cornell University, University of Rochester, and the NYS Center for School Safety, May 2002, http://www.actforyouth.net/documents/may02factsheetadolbraindev.pdf extracted 06/04/07). This is why it is so important to protect children.
Imagine gay activists on the front lines fighting for the legal right to sex with children who provide sexual consent and have approached the adult for sex! And the same gay activists are fighting for same-sex “marriage” and “parenting” rights. Whom are they fooling?
-- | Monday, 21 May 2007 at 12:36 pm
Greg said...Dawn,
I acknowledge that children need role models from each sex – I doubt studies you provide do anything but confirm this. This does not necessarily mean the perfect nuclear family - raising healthy children is done by the community as a whole. There are already plenty of gay parents here in Australia; attitudes like yours only ensure that these parents will face the kind of discrimination and conflict that will be counter-productive to both the well-being of their children and the cohesiveness of the community in general.
As for your other points:
“Are you too afraid to take up the challenge at a gay pride parade or sex conference? It would be a good lesson for you on how inappropriate gay communities are for children to be raised in.”
It wouldn’t be a great lesson for me at all; I’ve already conceded that gay pride events are largely offensive displays of hedonism that are no place for children. I thoroughly agree that children should not be raised in gay pride parades. What you need to demonstrate is that all gay people necessarily advocate such a lifestyle, something I know from experience to be flat wrong. How about you take a challenge to actually meet some “regular” gay people who don’t think gay pride events perfectly represent their world views?
“When one takes on the “gay” identity that very identity entails the values and beliefs of the subcultures even if you don’t like wearing leather or go to gay bars every weekend”.
Does this mean that my heterosexual identity must take on the subcultures of which I take no part, such as bondage and S/M fetishes and the like? Ridiculous.
“In fact, the main reasons same-sex “marriage” is desired by activist groups is to force social acceptance and respect of homosexuality onto the whole population, criminalize any opposition, and change the minds of your children in one generation (using public schools, media, and legislation)”.
Maybe. You could also say that the Civil Rights movement was an attempt to force social acceptance and respect of African Americans and to criminalize racism, and change the minds of your children in one generation. What’s the problem?
“Unfortunately, there is a high incidence of both verbal and physical violence in same-sex relationships where it is not that uncommon to hear about a passive partner being raped against his will”.
I dare say the incidence level is no higher than - and probably a lot lower than - that of heterosexual men abusing their female partners.
“Furthermore, you can see the push to teach as many school children no matter how young about the various sexual acts within homosexuality, without discussing the full health risks”.
Where on earth can I see this push? Ridiculous.
“Imagine gay activists on the front lines fighting for the legal right to sex with children who provide sexual consent and have approached the adult for sex!”
Imagine straight people fighting for the right to have sex with children – any sane person would be opposed to it.
-- | Monday, 21 May 2007 at 10:30 pm
Therese said...Clearly no parent is perfect yet children who are raised with same sex adults will always suffer from not having the emotional needs met by a mother or a father. I believe it is a big lie that kids of same sex households are content and are OK. These children don’t believe the situation is OK and just as this fantastic article says, kids are afraid, seek acceptance and want to protect those who care for them.
Same sex couples must take into consideration that the children they bring into this situation will suffer and no matter how hard they try to get others to stamp an approval on this idea of a family, it will never be OK.
United States | Tuesday, 6 November 2007 at 12:22 pm
Greg said...“I believe it is a big lie that kids of same sex households are content and are OK”
So because you believe this, we should all believe you? Normally claims about facts require evidence. Have you ever in your life met a child who had grown up with gay parents, or is this armchair psychology?
-- | Tuesday, 6 November 2007 at 2:40 pm
Therese said...Greg,
Yes, I have met children and in fact one that was heart breaking. Both his “parents” were female, one clearly the female role and the other the male role. This young boy kept asking why he didn’t have a father and the male role told him that he didn’t need a father because she did things with him like a father would do and he insisted that this women was not a father to him. This young boy showed clear signs of emotional distress in pretty much all he did and it broke my heart because I wanted so badly to help him and there was nothing I could do.
I know this is the story for many children who are living in these sorts of emotional home structures and like the artical clearly states, they are distressed and unhappy.
United States | Friday, 9 November 2007 at 8:34 am
Steve Brohan said...I would guess that living in a family like this lady describes could be a problem. What the family values crowd doesnt seem to see is that their attitudes about the family can also cause a lot of harm. For example, as they keep trumpeting how a two parent, male and female parent household is so ideal, how does this impact children who have lost a parent due to accidents or death at a young age? This two parent ideal basically is telling the one parent raised child that its all over for them in terms of being “normal.” The fundamentalist lifestyle can also cause a lot of trauma, ie constant nightmares of burning in hell etc. I know about this from personal experience.
-- | Friday, 14 March 2008 at 5:28 am
Mike Harkins said...I could hug you, Dawn Stefanowicz;
for your courage in speaking out about this very important issue. The whole world of right and wrong went crazy when shrinks decided Homosexuality wasn’t a disease. Homosexuality is a disease, it has no positive purpose, no raison d’etre. It is no more than a pursuit of self gratification. We are endowed with a sex drive so we will procreate and survive as a species. What did President Lincoln say in his Gettysberg address: We hold these truths to be self evident . . .
United States | Wednesday, 7 May 2008 at 7:38 am
Mike Harkins said...Sorry ‘bout that, folks;
‘twasn’t old Abe, it was the American founding fathers who said: We hold these truths to be self evident. In the Declaration of Independence no less. Makes it the more powerful wouldn’t you say?
United States | Wednesday, 7 May 2008 at 10:51 pm
Therese said...Steve Brohan I for one am a fundamentalist and live in a fundamentalist marriage yet I can tell you the little boy I told you about didn’t suffer from any other judgement. His grandmother and grandfather didn’t make an issue out of it because they wanted to make sure the children didn’t feel the stress. This little boy wanted a father period. Why blame the “fundamentalists” for a natural desire this child has to have a father?
Are they pro same sex couples going to push for Opposite sex unions to be abolished because it makes them uncomfortable? You can white wash this any way you want but the truth is the truth and many of these kids have a right to want a father if they don’t and a mother if they don’t. OH BUT wait, it is all about the adults, right? Just forget the needs of the children, adults “needs” are way more important, ugh!!!!
-- | Thursday, 8 May 2008 at 10:54 am
Page 1 of 2 : 1 2 >
New comment