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diggGiving them reasons to live
Our duty to the mentally ill is brushed aside by the right-to-die lobby.
If she had looked at it closely, my sister wouldn't have passed that old sweater over to me. She had tired of it, though, and I gladly added it to my own wardrobe. One day while wearing it, I happened to glance down at the cuff. There it was – a small bloodstain from one day a year or two prior when she had tried to hurt herself. It had been another of those days that my loving parents, long since over any embarrassment and only wanting to keep their beloved daughter safe, called a police car and an ambulance into their driveway for all the neighbours to see. Again.
I changed from that sweater immediately, and threw it in the trash, only too grateful that my sister was still with us. Thank goodness, she is still with us. She's my hero, and she lives every day with schizo-affective disorder – now well-controlled with the right medicine. Her arduous journey back to reality began one night when she called home, frightened and confused. Mom and Dad dropped everything and drove out to meet her at the university hospital, where they found her pacing in front of the emergency room doors.
| Has society stopped seeing the urge to commit suicide as an illness in itself, or at least as a cry for help? |
From there she moved in and out of psychiatric wards and group homes (when my parents couldn't care for her safely), then back to my parents' house to start again from scratch: first with a part-time job at the 7-Eleven, then with a certificate in flower arranging and a job at a craft store. Next she went back to university to complete her degree (dean's list), and took a job with a self-advocacy group in a psychiatric hospital. Following a diploma in psychosocial rehabilitation, she went to work for a local mental health association. Over the course of years, she got back on her feet. With her full permission, and after she's proof-read it, I've told you the short version of her eventual success.
Had her persistence in trying to take her own life paid off, she would have done none of these things nor would she have married the wonderful fellow she did. And I do mean persistence. At one point she was willing to try whatever was available on the drugstore shelf just to overdose on something – anything. Voices in her head (the auditory hallucinations of her illness) were giving her instructions to kill herself.
Now let's stop a minute, and re-think my sister's story in light of the gradual loosening up of assisted suicide laws worldwide: from the U. S., where right-to-die advocates in Washington are seeking assisted death legislation that mirrors Oregon's, to Germany, where a 79 year-old requested and received assistance to kill herself because she was lonely and feared ending up in a nursing home. Instead of helping the German woman seek treatment for depression, or taking the time to help alleviate her loneliness, a former government official simply waltzed in with a "suicide machine".
In Australia, a woman with four young children who was suffering from post-natal depression was able to get hold of a how-to-commit-suicide book -- while she was in a mental health facility -- and managed to kill herself by following instructions. She borrowed the book from a public library where it was freely available. In Switzerland, a court recently upheld the right of a man suffering from bipolar disorder to kill himself.
You may say that this fellow with bi-polar disorder was in his right mind when he wanted to end it all, and my sister was clearly delusional. But has society stopped seeing the urge to commit suicide as an illness in itself, or at least as a cry for help – help that society has a responsibility to give? Oregon state seems to have: of all 49 Oregon patients who died by assisted suicide last year, none of them were referred for psychiatric evaluation.
In my sister's case, it wasn't always clear to the casual observer that she was hearing things. To her friends, she often appeared quite rational. She was able, in the earliest stages of her illness, to hide her delusions from them quite well. So well that at first they couldn't understand why my parents kept having her taken to the hospital. Even I didn't grasp how sick she was in the beginning, because I didn't live in the same house. What if she had lived in Zurich, and had the wrong kind of pals or only one family member in the same city who saw her infrequently?
Even worse, what if she were living in the kind of hell that anti-euthanasia activists frequently predict? Think how many health care dollars would have been saved if the hospital had said, "Clearly she wishes to die. What right have we to stop her?" Think about what would have happened in this scenario, if my parents were the type who cared what the neighbours thought.
However, we don't live in some dystopian nightmare yet. My sister's illness has been treated, and she is as productive a citizen as they come. Not only does she directly assist those who suffer like she has suffered, she also advocates for them in the larger community by teaching suicide intervention workshops and giving talks about mental illness. She has even made a presentation to a provincial government committee, and is just one of those who try to make people understand that life is worth living for everyone.
The world would indeed be lacking if she had succeeded in finishing herself off. And it would be lacking if anyone did, whether or not they were successful in their career afterward. It would be lacking simply because we are all human beings with intrinsic worth. Caregivers, professional or not, have an obligation to convince vulnerable individuals of this worth – whether their illness is physical or mental. And we are all morally bound to convince them in word, deed and law that it is not necessary for them to take their own life in order to maintain their dignity. After all, as Jean Vanier, founder of l'Arche International communities for the intellectually handicapped, reminds us, a person's dignity is also a gift we give to them.
It is appropriate to give the last word here to my sister, who puts it quite eloquently: "We have a duty to help others live even when we ourselves can't see why they would want to. That means we have to look very, very hard for reasons for them to hang on. This takes time, respect, sensitivity and resources -- things that are difficult and often hard to come by. Again, whose needs are we meeting through assisted suicide? The system's? Or our own need for convenience?"
Michelle Martin writes from Hamilton, Ontario, where she and her husband have raised their ten children. She is a graduate of the University of Toronto and currently holds down a part-time job caring for intellectually handicapped adults.
R.M. Balanquit, it amazes me how many people on this site think they can read my mind and know my heart. Would my life have more meaning to you if I were to suspend disbelief and shut down part of my mind? (and, by the way, stop listening to my conscience.) You presume too much.
Hi David,
I respect your view about the cruel, vindictive,irrational and undesirable god that you said. It just confirms my suspicion that for someone who does not have a loving God, for him life has no worth or meaning.
R.M. Balanquit, people do extraordinary things in crises. If they are doing their best, then they have no need to regret their actions. The crux of the argument here is that many religious people on this site believe that ending a life for any reason (except, it seems, war), however extraordinary the circumstance, is a rebellion against their Biblical God (or the idea of that God). Of course that’s true. It is exactly that. A god, as the Bible describes him, is incomprehensible to me, and not at all desirable. He seems cruel and vindictive, and irrational in his judgments. That’s why we seem to be talking past each other. We live in parallel Universes. We look at each other and argue with each other but we don’t share a common language. The same words have different meanings to us. We’re strangers.
I believe most people, when faced with a crises, know instantly what the moral course of action should be. They may not do it, but they know what it is. They don’t need a lengthy interpretation of an ancient text to tell them what they should do. It’s as natural as getting up in the morning.
Hi David,
Your example reminds me of a news report here in my country about a person who in his act of protest doused himself with fuel and burned himself alive. Someone tried to save him by jumping on him, hugging him to put off the fire in his body. This person who tried to save the burning fellow got third degree burns but did not die. The other just simply burned away. I think there are still many people out there who in their sincere desire to help others simply forget about themselves… forgetting even their very life. This is real heroism and this is the best choice to make. Of course, we don’t need to throw ourselves to a burning person whenever we find one just to save him. But at least, what we cannot do is to throw more fuel on to him with the excuse of hastening his death, thereby shortening his suffering or our seeing of him suffering. Some actions are just simply intrinsically wrong. Yet, it’s true that we can still commit them by mistake, bad decision or human weakness. We can be sorry for these actions but we can never justify them as correct.
I think we are mixing up things. When a patient is terminally ill, the doctor has the moral obligation to lessen the pain by using pain killers, obviously very strong ones. Interestingly, when the pain level is reduced like this, and reduced to an acceptable level, most patients, if not all, do not want to die anymore. It is an interesting fact that a lot of people do not know about.
It is obvious that we do, as care givers or family, have to help reduce the pain and accompany the sick person in a dignified manner.
It is impossible to convince the Pages of the world, those who have convinced themselves there is no moral standard that God Himself has provided. Therein lies the problem, that relativism has become so entrenched in this Culture of Death that no one may speak for what is right and good. I think God will have much to say about this relativism; after all, did He not suffer beyond all human suffering for us?
David,
You raise an interesting question. “If someone made the choice that you consider wrong would you condemn that person?” In theory no. I believe I have no right to condemn them, I have no idea about their conscience, I cannot judge their heart and their decision. Would I think less of them? Hopefully not. (As humans are though we tend to judge others though I try not to.)
“Would God?” If a person makes a decision based on their conscience firmly believing it is the right choice, no I do not believe God will condemn them for it.
But that would not deter from the actions basic nature of being wrong. I ought not condemn anyone’s actions, I don’t have that right, I cannot read their hearts. But I believe the action is still fundamentally wrong, even if I do not condemn the person, I would condemn the act.
“For some things there are no good choices” For many things there are tough choices, in some cases no ideal choices, just as the burning friend you mention. Both decisions, killing them, (which is fundamentally wrong), and letting them suffer, (at every feeling revolts, it seems inhumane), seem to be evils. But if we look at it in a different light. They may survive, they have a chance, a hope of survival even if it beyond your ability to save them. A hope which should not be denied them, like my grandfather. We may have thought, he may have thought, they give me one week to live, it will be a mortifying painful week (remember with no legs he couldn’t even go to the bathroom, he had to be basically in a nappy, and wait for a nurse to come and change him). Why bother. But he survived the week, we let nature (or God) take her (or His) course, nine months as I said, and we are all better people for it. It was painful to see him suffer, but it was a good, his suffering achieved many goods in many people, teaching and guiding them. It helps me now.
Your post is no easy one to answer, and I apologize for the length of this one.
B.N., for some situations there is no good choice, no right choice. If your friend was on fire and you couldn’t put it out, would it be wrong to kill him? Maybe it would, but for some things there are no good choices. If someone made the choice that you consider wrong would you condemn that person? Would God?
David,
you are right that the situations are different, the principle however is the same. Life ought not be ended, it is a mystery, a world. If I see my friend committing suicide in front of me I will not hesitate to stop them. I know they are not doing themselves a favour. I may be restricting their freedom (or really what they perceive to be their freedom)but I am acting for their greater good (and indeed the greater good of the mankind as a whole, something I truly believe). They are better off alive than dead, right? As a friend, sibling etc. my role is of loving, of caring of doing what is best for them. Just as I would advise my friend not to take drugs, just as I would advise my friend, try and prevent them from, robbing a bank, committing murder, so will I advise them against this self destruction. Their life is precious, to themselves and to the world as a whole. I cannot see any good in ending the mystery of their life.
It’s inspiring to hear the story of BN’s grandfather. It reminds me of the idea that one’s life is a gift given to others. That even in the most abject condition (or you may even call it hopeless if you want), one can still be able to inspire other people and move them to value their own struggles and sufferings. Only when one’s life is given to others that one finds more meaning to it. In the end, we do not live for ourselves so much so that even when we see only so much pain in life, we don’t still have the right to just simply write it off. There are still many people who depend on us or at least on our life story. And I believe that everyone deserves a happy ending. That somehow someone will be able to tell the others how this person despite his wretched state has struggled through life and touched the lives of many others through his courage, perseverance, and cheerfulness. And I think this is what really gives more dignity to the suffering person more than the most painless external appearance one could get in his deathbed. These endings you don’t hear on people who died of euthanasia simply because their stories were prematurely ended.
There is a fundamental difference between someone who is otherwise healthy, but mentally ill, who wants to kill themselves for irrational reasons, and a terminally ill person who is mentally competent who wants to hasten their death under a Death with Dignity law as in Oregon.
They are not the same thing.
BN, your story of your grandfather is so moving and beautiful. It should give us all hope that not only is a person able to suffer cheerfully and see the meaning and value of it and of their own precious life, but also that their loved ones can see it and pass on the message that as you said, “every human is a world themselves”. Makes me think of how many worlds are missing because of the tragic culture of death. Our prayers are with you and your family.
B
B.N., I understand your post. What we are talking about is people choosing to die. Your Grandfather, admirably, didn’t choose to die. That’s different from forcing him to live if he didn’t want to.
David,
I want to tell you a story, it, like your argument, is purely emotionally grounded, but we’ll fight on the same battle ground. Five years ago my grandfather was diagnosed with bowel cancer. My grandfather had to undergo serious surgery which involved his legs being raised for seven hours. He was a smoker and a diabetic, his arteries couldn’t handle it. The veins in my grandfathers leg burst, causing him immense pain. He had a heart attack. Recovering in hospital he continually asked about his legs, which it was discovered were developing gangrene. Both were amputated. My grandfather was a very proud and independent man, he hated being helped, he hated needing help, the news that he no longer had legs were like a nightmare. He had another heart attack. We were told we’d be lucky if he last the week. This story could take a few pages to write, it’s moving and long, but to cut it short. He was nine months in hospital, nine months, and they said he wouldn’t last the week! He continuously nearly recovered, nearly returned home only to have yet another heart attack. During those nine months the doctors continually pressured us to “let him die” especially at times when he was in IC or in a coma. I saw my grandfather reduced to a visibly old and crippled man, attached to no end of wires. But his spirit had not died, his love had not crippled. And he in those nine months changed the lives of the nurses, and his family, around him. Those were intimate precious months which he gave us and I will treasure forever. He taught me how to suffer and be cheerful, he taught me in those months months what strength is. These are lessons in life which the elderly can give us, every lost life is a tragedy because every human is a world themselves, and with their loss is a loss of an entire world of experiences, opinions views. Their lives are priceless!! The world needs them.
This is too long all ready though I have barely scratched the surface.
Pablo, it is not our province to decide how much physical pain another has to endure before they bring an end to it. Also, I don’t understand why you keep bringing up Michelle’s sister when she had a treatable mental illness. But if a person reaches a point where they simply can’t bear any more pain then the last thing they should have to worry about is your religious sensibilities.
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