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TechnoratiRaising free-range kids
Helicopter parenting just doesn’t work with four kids and two pets to keep an eye on.
I have long known that I should hang onto my ties, both fat and skinny ones, because eventually they would be in style again. I did not realize, however, that the way my wife and I bring up our kids -- a style closer to past generations than that of many of my contemporaries -- was something that might swing back into vogue, never mind being hailed as a radical new philosophy.
It seems that, without knowing it, my wife and I have been free-range parents, raising free-range kids. Those terms do not sit well with me. They generate images of the whole family heading outside to scratch in the ground for food, like the chickens on an organic farm. But as a series of recent articles point out, free-range parenting has nothing to do with chickens or any other farm animal.
The term comes from New York City writer Lenore Skenazy, who decided to let her nine-year-old son ride the subway home alone from a Bloomingdale’s store. The negative reaction of friends initially shocked her, but then provided plenty of fodder for a new blog -- on raising children without hovering over them at every turn. Skenazy says her childhood was spent without the fear of something ominous lurking around the corner; freedom and risk were just part of life and growing up.
Skenazy's main point, that parents can be too controlling of their kids lives, is something many parents struggle with (others embrace the control and relish it). Yet the amount of freedom our children have as they grow up can have an impact well beyond our own families and into adulthood. The child's ability to deal with risk now will determine whether they can deal with risk as an adult. If we bubble-wrap kids, refuse to let them explore the world around them as they grow, will they have the courage to break out on their own later in life? Will they have the courage to apply for a job on their own or become an entrepreneur? If they cannot take risks, will they get married or even have the courage to date?
Like Skenazy, British/Canadian author Carl Honore worries about parents today being overprotective. Honore describes going back to the Edmonton neighbourhood of his youth and discovering that while there are kids still there, few of them were running around outside playing hockey in the street or games up and down the front lawns, the way he and his friends used to.
Now living in London and a father of two himself, Honore says he understands the impulse to protect children but he fears today’s culture has gone too far and may be stifling them instead of really protecting them. As proof, Honore adduces the fact that children are more likely to be hurt in traffic accidents as passengers than as pedestrians; and yet while parents think twice before letting children walk to school or the park alone they think nothing of driving them.
In his book, Under Pressure: Rescuing Childhood from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting, Honore argues that too many parents today treat their children like investments or projects to be managed and that this mentality is having a negative effect on the wider culture. In an interview with The Globe and Mail, Honore says the fruits of not allowing children to take risks are now being seen as young adults struggle to stand on their own two feet. “Every moment of their childhood has been so micromanaged, supervised, structured and measured by adults that they don't know how to cope on their own. University counselling services are overwhelmed by students going to pieces. You hear of 19-year-olds handing the cellphone over to the professor and saying ‘Sort this out with my mum’.”
I often feel guilty that my children are not like other children they know, enrolled in a wide assortment of extra-curricular activities that will expand their horizons. But truly, the thought of living like that, hovering over my children at every turn, exhausts me; I am constitutionally unfit to be a helicopter parent. Time is against it: you cannot schedule too much when you have four kids, two parents and two pets to look after. How can you track four kids with only two helicopters -- I mean, parents?
Also, I am loath to force the children to do something they absolutely hate. Swimming lessons are one exception. My wife and I feel that all children need to know how to swim, so, despite the fact that only two of four like getting their faces wet, all four children will be in the pool as soon as lessons resume. But, unless one of them wants to play hockey or figure skate, the rink that goes up in the local park each year is where they will all learn to skate; I will encourage soccer but not insist on it. As for everyday play time, that is best spent outside with other kids, not with me.
Former Canadian Olympian Silken Laumann is an advocate of free play time for kids and of neighbourhoods where children running around playing disorganized sports or a game from their imagination is normal. It is tough to find those neighbourhoods, now, as most kids seem tend to hole up inside. A few years ago we were living in an area with 20 or more kids under the age of 13, all within a few doors of each other. There was ample space for the children to play outside -- open fields, and several play parks; still, aside from the occasional hoot from one of our four as they rambled about, summer days were filled with silence.
But things have changed. Now our neighbourhood is bustling with kids running around with no structure to their play time. Games of hopscotch have broken out, there is a regular crew of sidewalk artists, several alien invasions have been rebuffed and action figures have been dragged through the mud -- somehow the girls’ dolls come back in the house clean. All of this the result of parents that live near us telling their kids, “Go outside, go play!” One kid gets another, who gets another and soon, like in the old shampoo commercial, the area is alive with a cacophony of joyful noises.
I admit that it is tough to give up the urge to jump in and help schedule or fix your child’s life. Yet, despite my urges, I have learned that when a child shows an interest in art it does not mean I need to find the nearest studio offering lessons. Every C or B on the report card does not mean we need to scramble to find a tutor. I want to help my kids grow and learn, and that sometimes means just sitting back and letting kids be kids.
Ottawa doesn’t have a subway, or a Bloomingdale’s to find your way home from, so I will not face the question that started all of this for Lenore Skenazy. My trial will be keeping up the nerve to let my children explore their own boundaries, to let them walk to the park on their own, ride their bike through the neighbourhood without supervision and do all this without losing my head, or jumping out of my seat to fix everything.
Brian Lilley is a husband and father of four in Ottawa, Canada. Brian is a political journalist and Ottawa Bureau Chief for 1010 CFRB Radio in Toronto and CJAD 800 in Montreal.
I thought these ideas about free range parenting were interesting but reading some of the responses borders on Monty Python. Lock kids out of the house??? Tell them to drink from the hose and use the neighbour’s bathroom? (How does the neighbour feel? If abuse happens close to home as Geoff says, is that so bright an idea?) Celebrate the fact that they can walk on ice and get chased by gangs???
I can see where this is heading and clearly it becomes an excuse for neglecting your kids so you can have child-free time. Don’t pretend it’s about their freedom. Sounds like it’s about yours. Also, taking some weird moral high ground and getting paranoid when Child Protective Services respond to the risks and work to rule out abuse in the case of children’s injuries borders on conspiracy theory-type “us and them” attitudes. Next we’ll be saying the State is the enemy - all because some people don’t believe that throwing your kids onto the street is in their best interests.
Can I also say that the response of “get over it and sink a few pints” when someone talks about being damaged by such free-range policies is really alarming. Geoff, it’s not that you don’t believe these risks are there - you minimise their seriousness. Scary. Clearly you can’t imagine the worst because it hasn’t happened to you. You need to think a little bit more deeply about the consequences of these ideas and look beyond the confines of your limited experience.
Personally I too had an idyllic childhood roaming the streets but David’s comments have made me think twice about being so cavalier today with my kids. Geoff’s comments confirmed the suspicion that anything else is reckless and comes from a lack of thought and, clearly, empathy.
Dear Geoff,
Forgive me if I say that your comments are insulting. Are you saying that when my child who I have let roam the streets unfettered returns and tells me he has been abused that I should tell him or her to “Get over it already. Get some counselling or have a few pints.”
My point was that taking the attitude of people who “lock their kids out of the house” so they can get some peace and quiet is bordering on the criminal. “Home invasion” thankfully is still a relatively rare event, while abuse of kids who roam the streets is very common.
No, I am afraid I didn’t personally find all the “whackos out there”, but many of them found friends of mine and my wife’s who have confided to us the horrors they went through.
It is clearly not necessary to “lock up your kids” in order to allow them to play with other kids. Supervision is the key. There are many supervised activities and sports available and if parents take the trouble to step outside the front door and hang out with their kids, they might find they even enjoy it. Sometimes it might just mean sitting and reading a book somewhere nearby while the kids play with their friends.
You are right about abuse often being caused by “close family members”. But this is another reason why parents need to be careful not to abandon their kids even to the whims of family members. I don’t know why so many people have confided their stories to my wife and I. Maybe it is because I am a writer and they harbour a wish that their tragedies will someday find their way into print so that other children won’t have to suffer in the same way.
In the meantime, I don’t plan to leave my kids unsupervised on the streets while I lock the door, get some counselling and “swallow a few pints”.
I love the idea of free-range parenting--but there are other risks besides child predators and mean neighborhood kids. These days, a parent must also worry about what Child Protective Services will do if if your kid turns up at the ER. Unfortunately, giving kids much freedom is occasionally looked upon as child neglect. Other hovering parents are watching--and they have been told that it’s a good thing to report you. Have you noticed that you don’t see kids with broken arms any more? Little boys are no longer jumping off the swingset--they are instead working on carpal tunnel syndrome playing video games.
Long live childhood!
Thanks for writing this article. Toronto isn’t quite in “hopscotch and tree fort mode” yet, but we are getting there!
David West - yes this happens. And guess what, most crimes of this sort are by close family members.
There are whackos out there and it seems you found all of them.
Today we stunt our kids because we are so afraid of everything. You think a lock on your front door will stop a home invasion. Locks are to keep honest people honest.
Bad things can and will happen. Call me a fatalist. There are more rewards (and some real risks) to what Brian is advocating, however have you done the risk/reward on locking up your family or putting every kid in every activity. Give some thought to it.
Sorry for you bad experiences. Get over it already. You are in charge of your own life. If you wish to be ruled by the past, go ahead, but you are an adult and can move on. Get some counselling, or find a friend and have a few pints an work through this.
I think your ideas are dangerous. The world is a different place today. Crime, pornography and paedophilia are much more common. But even back in “the good old days”, being left to roam the parks and the streets, as I was, was not necessarily a good thing. I was only reflecting recently about all of the violence I suffered back then. I wasn’t abducted and abused by an adult, as so many children are. (We have heard of several incidents in our own neighborhood in recent years). Most of the violence I experienced was at the hands of other children, although a relative was sexually abused by a neighbor - a friend of the family - at the tender age of six. In my neighborhood in Australia, the spirit of Lord of the flies was alive and well and I am sure it is even more so today. The high point for me was being marched around and brutalised at knife point, along with two of my friends, for a whole day by a sociopathic teenager - a friend of a friend. The adults caught up with him and punished him after the event, but nothing will ever wipe away that memory. If you think kids are safe roaming the streets, you are living in la la land!
Great post. One of the problems contributing to obesity and malaise in children is the lack or “their time”. Ever notice how school yards are controlled by ever-watchful part-time teachers who would rather be somewhere else? There are no more swings, no more teeter-totters, no more ropes to climb, running is restricted, roller blading (heaven forbid!), no tree or fence climbing......in short, nothing for children to do on their own. These days it is “Don’t do this” or “Don’t do that!” Admonishments everywhere at the expense of freedom to get scraped or hurt in the rough and tumble of growing up. Ah me! I recall the joys of growing up in Montreal,running downtown and walking back, going to the back alley of the bakery shop and scarfing a bun from the baker’s tray, getting chased by the rival gang from another neighbourhood, climbing trees until the upper branches cracked, walking up Mount Royal to the summit and trying to climb the cross, walking on the ice of the St Lawrence River in spring.....all before protectionism. Risk? Of course. But we learned to cope, didn’t we?
Thank you so much for this article - food for thought.
I grew up in the village and my parents did not let us out of our compound but we were 9 in number and our friends could come over.
I am now bringing up my children in the city and I am terrified of even leaving the gate open and letting them mix with the the neighbourhood children - but I can see the benefit of doing that.
Thanks again - will re-think my parenting strategies.
This reminds me of the summer days when my mother locked us out of the house--only to unlock it to bring out lunch on the picnic table. She told us to drink out of the hose and ask the neighbor to use the bathroom. We were only to knock if it involved bleeding that would not stop or the possibility of a broken bone. Not only did we play games for hours on end, ride our bikes or put on plays, but we gained a sense of security and freedom knowing that we had to make the rules, deal out justice, and get over pouting on our own.
I now lock my three sons out and know the sweetness that my mother experienced on those quiet summer days, locked inside her clean house, and the delight she must have experienced peering out the window at her children playing.
Here’s to the last 5 weeks of summer. Happy playing.
I think children are still being given freedom to roam, but it is now at a later age than before. In my area of London I have noticed that children begin to roam unsupervised from about year 6 (age 10-11)—perhaps in preparation for the independence they will need to travel to secondary school. I have four children and have allowed them to play outside on the street near to home, unsupervised from the age of 7. By 10 (year 5) I allow my children to go to the park on their own—but I must know where they are. From secondary school age I allow them to go on buses etc and roam further—but they then have a curfew. This is far more restrictive than in my childhood—I grew up in the Caribbean and was walking to school on my own from age 7; and roaming a couple of years later—all day!! By the way, the fact that many kids today have mobiles means that their parents have another way of keeping tabs on their whereabouts which means they are really not as free as they may seem. Also, I think the area you live in will play a large part in how much freedom you can allow your children.
Oh it is so nice to read about someone bringing up their families with good old common sense. I too would send my children out to play as my mother did. Now I am reaping the benefits of watching my adult children discover their talents while not worrying about the risk that they might fail. They have all taken flight and it was well worth the thousands of demands “no, you have to stay outside!”
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