Defying the trend: mothers of large families

Francis Phillips

May 06, 2024 5 Reactions

Miki, a Japanese American with five children, adds a different angle. She is a convert and her husband, a lapsed Catholic, had (unusually) not rejected Catholic teaching that sex needs to be united to fertility and marriage.

Like several of the women interviewed, women who had initially thought they would continue their academic goals after marriage and seek tenure in university positions, she experienced "painfully having to let go of myself". She had to learn to "embrace mystery and hierarchy", but added that moving to a parish and neighbourhood with many big families had made a huge difference to the community support she experienced.

Shaylee, a Mormon with seven children who, like her husband, had come from a large family, speaks for all the interviewees when she confesses that "Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but the most rewarding thing I can imagine doing."

Strong foundations

It is noteworthy that all the women in this book have strong marriages and supportive husbands. Terry, with ten children, is clear that motherhood was her vocation and that she needed to find the right man to marry. "God created me a woman to have babies," adding, "I think we’ve lost this idea that the whole point of marriage is to have a family, and I think that’s really sad."

Lauren, with five children and who has a doctorate, is unusual in this book as her family size has been husband-led. "He wants nine" – more than she had envisaged. But she emphasises that they have a close marriage, that her husband loves being a father and that he earns a very good salary. Despite their material comfort, Lauren believes in only giving her children modest treats, and "the older children help with the younger ones." Her lifestyle is not so different from other less affluent families in the book.

Esther speaks for other women surveyed when she says, "We don’t go anywhere for the most part. I work on trying to make our home life fun and happy." And she adds, with a touch of humour that other interviewees would have concurred with, "Fighting with your siblings doesn’t cost anything." (As a mother of eight children myself, I always saw such "fights" as character-forming: they required energy, mental alertness, the acceptance of losing and the need to repair the relationship afterwards.)

Esther added a thought implicit to all these women: "Women are so strong. I wish that women knew how strong we can be."

Danielle, a medic with seven children who married a fellow doctor, sees family life and babies as "a surprise encounter with new joy". As a mother she is "parenting, shepherding, nurturing, teaching, fostering the growth" of her children. Steph, with six children, thinks "people need to be awakened to what they know in their hearts is true. And that is that families are really wonderful."

Angela, an African American with five children, describes her home as "rich with persons." She believes one can "resist the revelation of God or you can surrender to it in all its beauty and pain." Leah, with five children, speaks for all the women interviewed when she comments that the "self-sacrifice" demanded of mothers "required a supernatural perspective." She added the profound thought that "bringing children into the world is like bringing holiness into the world."

Bountiful

Pakaluk adds her own reflections to what she has heard throughout her book. "My subjects described their choice to have many children as a deliberate rejection of a self-regarding lifestyle in favour of a way of life intentionally limited by the demands of motherhood… They believe they have found themselves in having children… They believe their personalities and capacities have expanded" owing to the "empathy, generosity, solidarity and self-denial" that is demanded.

She emphasises that she does not "judge" couples with smaller families and that many women "want more children than they actually achieve", often because by the time they have completed their higher education plans and found a suitable husband their fertility has significantly waned.

Nonetheless, the advent of the Pill, with the control predicated on its use, brings a "new calculus" to child-bearing. In her book, children are constantly referred to as a "blessing" and a "gift" – words with religious connotations – rather than the result of calculated choice to be accommodated within a lifestyle already planned in advance.

Pakaluk also provides new insights: that the loss of a baby or child can lead "to a greater appreciation for the possibility of new life" – and that babies within a family can bring their innate capacity to heal trauma to older siblings who may be struggling with grief and depression. Her conclusion? That love and faith "can move mountains"; indeed, can lead to a life of sacrificial joy that has to be lived to be understood.

I will give the last word to Guadalupe, who has ten children. "Having a large family is not for everyone… but I feel a lot more people could do this than they think."

What do you think of having a large family? Leave your comments in the box below.

Francis Phillips writes from Buckinghamshire in the UK.

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